Graduation

I don’t really know what to call this list. It’s not really a list of the top ten things I’ve learned about life in college, although it came about as I tried to brainstorm how a list of the top ten things I've learned would read. It’s really more of a confession about policies I’ve tried to implement in my life based on mistakes I’ve made, seeing as I’ve made a lot of mistakes, especially in the relationship department. Or maybe it’s a soapbox about the kinds of behaviors I think would make the world better based on my limited experience in the world. Whatever this list is, I’ve tried to avoid the verbosity that typically characterizes this blog by keeping the entries succinct. Here, then, is how I think I (and maybe you, too, if you want) should live:

1. Regard every single person whom you encounter as a human. This includes civil servants and people whom you would otherwise dehumanize with labels such as "creepy" or "jerk" or anything else that ultimately means "less valuable than me." If life is a novel, you are not the only character. You are not even the main character.

2. Find support. Find a person whose very presence decreases your stress and reminds you that you are valuable, capable, and loved—but don't expect too much of this person and forget that s/he also has his/her own life, in the vein of rule #1.

3. Be upfront. In any sort of enduring relationship—especially with roommates and romantic partners, current or potential—honesty is the best policy. Do not ever assume that the other person knows what you are thinking, and don't play dumb when you know that the other person's perception of what you are thinking is inaccurate. But remember rule #1.

4. Enjoy the people you are with. Never be disappointed with the turnout of a social function you plan. So what if you expected thirty and ended up with ten, or five, or two? The people you are with are worth your time and attention.

5. Establish firm boundaries regarding how you handle your time, relationships, etc., because order is a source of peace and contentment. Then, know when you have to cross those boundaries, because there will be times when you should.

6. Make good choices. This item may seem to undermine the credibility of this list; we should all do this naturally, but there are countless occasions in which we knowingly do things that are not in our best interests or the interests of the people around us. For example: intentionally breaking rule #3 is a bad choice, even when it’s easier to do so. Choose good, and expect the best.

7. Give people the benefit of the doubt when at all possible. Have I mentioned rule #1? Unless we’re talking about avoiding real potential danger, overestimating rather than underestimating others (their integrity, their intelligence) tends to heal relationships and prevent bitterness.

8. Appreciate beauty. Do not ever, ever, ever let the cynicism of the people around you prevent you from appreciating the value of something. The world has plenty of cynics, and everyone is just trying to find something Beautiful anyway, so cherish your ability to see beauty even when others can’t (or won’t).

9. Do something that matters. Don't get so distracted with the day-to-day fun of living in the moment that you never do anything of substance. Find something that is worth selling out to, and then sell out to it. As with rule #8, those who mock your dedication are probably trying to find their own Worthy Cause anyway. At the end of every day, ask whether your corner of the world is a better or worse place as a result of your presence.

10. Love unselfconsciously. My favorite quote, from Shanley’s Doubt: “There are people who go after your humanity, …who tell you the light in your heart is a weakness. That your soft feelings betray you. I don't believe that. It's an old tactic of cruel people to kill kindness in the name of virtue. Don't believe it. There's nothing wrong with love.”